The time to say Goodbye
by Silverwolven
Summary: The ER staff loses a member, and John loses the woman he loved. A Carby in the end. I do like reviews. [Completed!]
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: I don't own ER, I just wish I did. **_

_Time to say goodbye_

_"John, she is gone. We couldn't save her." Susan whispered, barely able to choke out the words. Sitting next to John, she began to sob, Abby had been a member of the ER for a long time, and now when things were just starting to work out for her, she was gone. "Susan she thought you were a great friend, and now, its time for us to say goodbye to what use to be our dear friend." John said standing up. Susan nodded and they walked into the trauma room. The room was still a mess, bloody gloves, sterile drapes, blood bags, IVs, and gowns. John walked up to the gurney, "Abby, I know you are no longer here, but it doesn't matter. I still loved you, and now you're gone, never to know. This was never meant to happen, I'm sorry, I didn't even get to say goodbye." John said tears falling down his face. "Abby, I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm going to miss you so much, goodbye." Susan said barely making out the words. John gently bent over Abby, and kissed her cold pale cheek. Susan squeezed her left hand, it was still a bit warm. _

_The funeral had been huge; they had to say the ceremony out in the cemetery because so many people wanted to come. John had paid for everything, ashamed he could not spoil her when he had the chance. As the priest said the mass, John looked around he was shocked at all the lives Abby had touched. "She was a great person." Susan whispered, as she looked at all the people John had been staring at. The funeral was short, and somber, not a dry eye left the cemetery that day. The burial plot was flooded with flowers of all sorts. Most of them small bouquets, but the ones that stood out the most were the pressed flower bouquets the ER staff had placed next to her grave. It was a small memory to Abby's love for dead flowers. John watched everyone leave, all of the Cook County ER Staff decided to stay behind. "Abby, we know that were not like a real family, but we were a tight group. Now there is a void in our family chain, one so great that will never be replaceable, and never will be. Our family chain is broken and nothing will be the same, until the day we are all over the rainbow with you, Mark and Lucy." Kerry said, this was most likely the first and only time a lot of people had ever seen Kerry openly cry over someone that was just a co worker. _

_"John, were going to go." Susan said patting her friend on the shoulder. "Alright, I'm coming." John said looking at Susan, noticing how red her eyes were. They walked hand in hand to the limo, and sat next to each other. "John, I think everyone is going out to Lava Lounge for a little toast to Abby, after work of course." Malik said, with a smile. "You mean a get drunk to make all of the sadness go away?" John asked, a bit miffed that they would go drinking after a funeral for a friend who was a recovering alcoholic. "Actually we were going to have soda, nothing with alcohol, this is for Abby." Kerry said smiling at John, she had already thought this through, and it was perfect. "Does the Lava Lounge know we the drunken ER staff is coming or are we just going to surprise them by ordering non alcoholic beverages." Susan said with a small smile, remembering the time Abby had gotten drunk and bit Carter, and did a nice hula for everyone on a table. "I think Abby would have wanted us to get drunk, keep up our good name." John said smiling, remembering spending all night with her helping her sober up before his shift started. _

_At the hospital John worked on "easy" patients. He could not go in the trauma room, especially not in the one Abby had passed away in. It was like an automatic shut off button whenever he got close to them, the memories would flood back to that god forsaken night. It was just way to much, and all of the staff respected that. John smiled at a little girl who had broken her wrist. "Why are you all dressed up?" The little girl asked pointing at John's tuxedo. "I had somewhere special to go this morning." John said placing a small splint on her wrist. "Is that why everyone looks so sad?" The little girl asked again. John nodded, "One of our good friends died, and we went to her funeral." He said softly, wondering if he would start to cry. "The doctor with the long brown hair?" she asked again. John nodded, he stood up, it was to much, to soon. He walked into the lounge and freely began to sob. He wasn't alone for long when Susan joined him, her eyes brimming with tears. They didn't ask each other, they just quietly sobbed together, wondering if anything would ever turn back to normal._

_The rest of the shift went by extremely slowly, everything reminding him of Abby. A patients name, or a med students question, it all reminded him of Abby. It wasn't fair, she had so much to live for. At the end of the shift John saw everyone begin to leave. As he walked into the lounge he saw a young man near Abby's locker. "What do you think your doing?" he asked noticing Abby's locker wide open. "There wasn't a free locker, and she doesn't work here anymore." The young man said. "She died! She died here! And then you go and start taking all of the personal stuff out of her locker like you own it! Well you don't, now get out! Just get out!" John yelled so irritated by the young mans arrogance. He watched the young man leave, and began putting all of Abby's stuff back into her locker. After a few moments of redecorating her locker John shut it, and opened his. Inside was his jacket and a handful of pictures of Abby and him together. Hugging or just smiling, even a few singles ones she had given him when he went away. He smiled as he put his jacket on, and then placed the pictures back on his shelf and shut his locker and walked out of the lounge, and out of county. _


	2. Chapter 2

_Walking into the Lava Lounge he could tell by the finally-you-get-here looks they had been waiting for him. "John what held you up?" Susan asked watching John walk over. "Some little med student tried to clear out Abby's locker. I don't think he will be coming back tomorrow, I probably scared the crap out of him." John said, taking a seat next to Susan. "You had every right to be mad, Abby's locker is not going to get cleared out. Not ever." Kerry said, and motioned for the waiter to come over. "Lets all get a glass of wine so we can toast to Abby." Malik said, he did not want to start Carter off again. The waiter brought around the clear colored wine, and set a glass in front of each of them. Kerry stood up, with her glass of wine, "I remember when Abby kept my miscarriage a secret, came to check on me periodically, and then gave me a ride home. I'm forever grateful for that." Kerry said raising her wine glass. _

_Susan stood up next, "Abby, Deb and I used to go out for girl nights. One of those times I had to much to drink and threw up on Abby's shoes. She didn't care, and just held my head, and told me everything was going to be alright." Susan said raising her wine glass. It was a fun memory to think back upon, all of the times they would sit there talking about the guys, and wondering if the guys were thinking they were all talking about them. It was true, and then they would get drunk and try to walk home, and getting weird looks from guys, who would then walk over and ask them if they wanted a ride home. They always declined, sleeping over at each others house was always way more fun. _

_Carter stood up and cleared his throat, "I remember when Abby and I were stuck in the hospital with Deb and Pratt. We had some fun times, so much fun I can't discuss it at this table, but the best part was after we were cleared to leave. Abby and I were walking along the beach, and suddenly Abby had taken off all of her clothes. We went skinny dipping in Lake Michigan and had a lot of un that day." John said smiling as he raised his wine glass. _

_The stories kept coming some of them short, others long, but they all were about Abby, and kept the memories alive. By the time each of them had said a memory all of them had tears streaming down their faces. It was rough, but necessary. They drank their wine in silence, but afterwards it was a free for all. When the bar tender had asked them to leave, all of them were drunk. Carter stumbled his way with Susan and Kerry to the EL, where they all rode over to Susan's apartment, to sleep it off. The ride on the EL was somber but meaning full, each of their eyes told a small story. John stood quietly watching the lights and looking up into the Chicago sky. Tonight would have been a great day for Abby and he to have camped out on the beach like they had been planning too. As they reached the apartment John very quickly allowed Kerry the privilege of the couch. He wouldn't mind sleeping on the floor, as long as he had a pillow he would be fine. He was right, he was out cold in a matter of minutes. _


	3. Chapter 3

_John shook in his sleep, the dream so realistic:_

Sitting outside by the jumbo mart I watched her run out into the ambulance bay. I had just bought myself a coffee, hoping it would keep me awake long enough to finish my shift. Yeah it tasted like garbage, but what were we supposed to do? Staple our eyelids open? I took a sip as I watched you walk off the curb. I knew you hadn't checked to see if the street was clear. I yelled at you to get back on the curb as soon as I had seen the car headlights hit your white jacket. You didn't hear me…. I watched as you crossed the street in pure terror, I closed my eyes waiting to hear the screeching of brakes, but there was none, just a deathly thump. I opened my eyes and saw you lying in a crumpled heap, your body motionless. Susan had seen the whole thing as well, except she had reacted better than I and got a gurney. We gently laid your fragile body on top of it, and wheeled you inside. I checked your breaths, but there were none to check. Your heart stopped, the deadening silence was all I needed to know you were gone, but they decided to try anyway.

I watched as Dr. Corday tried to fix all of your internal injuries. When the X-rays came back we all knew it was time to stop. Your ribs had been smashed, the same to your pelvis. You had internal bleeding, and both of your lungs collapsed. I watched as Susan went to check your eyes, your beautiful chocolate brown eyes, and when she said something was draining out of your ear I knew that you were brain dead. I finally shouted you were gone, and nothing would ever bring you back as I stormed out of the room. I sat on the bench across from the blue trauma room. I watched as Elizabeth called your death, her accent shaking as she fought back the tears. I watched Susan begin to clean you up before walking out of the room and telling me the news I had been expecting. The still form that laid on the gurney was no longer home to your wonderful soul, just a shell.

When I walked back into the room, I wanted to wash you, make sure you were cleaned from all of the blood, glass, and tubes that were now inserted into your body. I eventually did, I washed your brown hair from all of the blood and mud that it had collected on the ground. I washed all of your wounds, and removed all of the tubes. I sewed you up, and made sure all of the blood was gone off of your body. I toweled you off and so gingerly put a blanket over you. It was a hard painstaking task, but just a labor of love I wouldn't have done for anyone other than you.

I could have stopped it, I could have saved you, but I was to damn busy drinking my coffee to get up and walk over to you. I was to busy wondering if you liked me just as much as I liked you, or if our relationship would be anymore than just co-workers after the whole letter I had sent you. It was my fault that you had died, nobody else's, just mine.

"_John, are you alright?" he heard Susan's voice. Opening his eyes he was greeted to a very hung over Susan. "Um… Yeah Sure…." John said sitting up. "John you were talking in your sleep, it's not your fault with what happened, it was nobody's just an accident that no one could have prevented." Susan said looking into John's brown bloodshot eyes. John nodded; the words meant nothing he had watched the woman he loved get struck and killed by a car who had an owner that didn't even stop. It was his entire fault and nothing that people said or did would ever change that. Not now, not ever. Shaking his head John stood up, and looked at the clock. "I have ten minutes till my shift? Do I look alright?" John asked. "We all look like shit, but I will drive you, we all start in ten." Susan said smiling. Kerry walked out of the bathroom, and into the kitchen looking just as hung over as Susan. "Maybe next time we should throw these parties on the weekends." Kerry said, looking at John and then back to Susan._


	4. Chapter 4

_As they arrived at County, John was met with a note in his face as soon as he entered the sliding doors. The owner of this note was the same med student who had "broken" into Abby's locker last night. The note was short, simple, and to the point. It was from above, and had to be followed. John ripped up the note, tearing it into tiny snowflakes, and then blew it in the med student's face. "Are you happy now you little bastard." John asked, he did not wait for a reply, and walked over to the admitting desk. "Chuney, do we have anymore plastic storage boxes? I need to clear out Abby's locker for some med student who fussed at the people upstairs." John said, looking in the shelves. "Ummm… There should be one by the computer." Chuney said, before she walked inside a trauma room. John saw the box and grabbed it, the box was perfect size, and had a lid on it. John brushed past the med student and walked into the lounge, setting the box on a table that was relatively close to their lockers. _

_John quickly twirled Abby's combination and opened the locker. He didn't know where to begin, there was so much. On the top shelf was lotion, hair spray, a small makeup bag, and a bunch of pictures. The walls were covered with pictures, a small collage of the staff, from Christmas pictures, Thanksgiving, and Halloween. John smiled, Abby's cute nurse outfit, she had looked so sexy that night and she being the only one who had bothered to dress up besides him. Carefully John peeled off all of the pictures, and placed them on the table, and then grabbed all of the pictures off of the top shelf. He gently took all of the tape off them careful not to rip any of the edges. He placed all of the pictures in the clear bin, along with all of the other personal items on the top shelf. John smiled, the last two things that were in her locker was her tailored white lab coat, with her name stitched on the left breast, along with a stethoscope, both Christmas presents from years past. He neatly folded her coat, and then placed it inside the box and gently placed the stethoscope on top of it. Checking the locker again he made sure there were no other personal items inside. He shut the locker door, and then bowed his head as he took off the Lockhart name plate from the door. Shutting the box, John opened his locker and placed the box on his top shelf, a little tribute to Abby. _

_The med student sighed, "Finally…." John heard the words escape the med student's mouth. "Throw your crap in her locker, and then report to your attending." John said as he shut his locker. "My attending is a John Carter. Do you know him?" The med student asked. "Yes, I know him very well. That's me." John said smirking at the little brat, he wanted so to fail him, but knew he would have to pass him off to another attending because he couldn't possibly forgive this med student.. "I am Steven Mcaul, a fourth year med student." The med student said. "That's peachy in all, but I honestly don't give a rat's ass. I am going to find you a new attending because I cannot and will not grade you or teach you because of how you respect your elders, especially the deceased." John said walking out of the lounge and to the admit desk. "Susan can you take my med student, he's the one who tried clearing Abby's locker out last night, and I cannot be fair with him. I will fail him." John said, looking at the board. "Sure John, he is still in the lounge right?" Susan asked, looking down at a chart she had just signed. "Yeah." John said before grabbing a chart. _

_Susan watched the med student from the lounge door window before walking in. "Hi, I am Susan Lewis and I will be your attending." She said as she walked inside. "Yeah hi, I am Steven Mcaul, fourth year, and I learned about everything yesterday from a few nurses." Steven said. "Alright, then lets start you on an easy patient then." Susan said a bit surprised by what he had just said. "Can you tell me who this Abby Lockhart was, and why Dr. Carter passed me off?" Steven asked. He had been pondering this question since last night. He didn't do anything wrong, he had just opened the locker he had been assigned, and then was screamed at by some doctor. "Why don't you take a seat Steven, and I will tell you everything." Susan said sitting in the seat across the table from Steven. Steven nodded and sat down, looking his new attending in the eyes. _


	5. Chapter 5

_"Dr. Abigail Lockhart was a really wonderful woman who had a lot of problems in life. She had a dysfunctional family, her mother and brother both bipolar and constantly off their medicine, and then to top it off she never had a father figure in her life. As a young child she was forced into maturity by her mother who constantly left her alone with her younger brother Eric, she never had a childhood, only a glimpse of what was to come. As she got older she began to rely on cigarettes and alcohol as a crutch, something to help her get through the day and her life. She became an alcoholic. Her first marriage was a mess, a partner who was constantly at work, and then it took a turn for a worse when she found out she was pregnant. Abby was afraid of what might happen to this child, and just decided she was not ready. She aborted it, and just allowed the marriage to slip through the cracks. Her husband never found out about the abortion, and never will. _

_Abby came to County General Hospital as an OB nurse, and was kind of in between a rock and a hard place in life. She had been down here in the ER, and found Dr. Carter shooting up on some left over pain medicine. Abby immediately notified some of the attendings, and action was taken. John had been stabbed that year by the same man who had killed his med student on Valentines Day, he got to watch in pain as his med student slowly bled to death. He became dependent on the pain medicine for his back, but Abby had finally made it clear that John was way over his head. All of the attendings pushed John to go to Atlanta to a place for doctors addicted to pain medicine. It straightened him out and Abby and he became good friends. That's when Abby told John about her drinking problem and that she had been sober for a few years. They helped each other through each others problems. _

_After one of our best doctors had passed away, we had a small pox outbreak here. John and Abby were stuck together in the ER for two weeks, where they fell in love. Their relationship was rocky, but still a lot of fun to watch. John had wanted to propose to Abby, but decided in the end that he and she were not ready. During that year Abby's brother had been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and basically ran off. Finally when there had been a break in the case John's grandmother had passed away. He got pissed at her that she would put her own brother in front of their relationship. The relationship just dissolved from there. John went to Kisagani, Africa, and basically broke up with Abby in a letter, that one of the clerks found and read to everyone. Before John and Abby could ever talk again John brought his new girl friend home with him. _

_While John was in Africa Abby decided to go back to med school to become a doctor just like she had intended. She started off in the rough, and eventually became a diamond. She was great, all of her nursing skills being put to the test, she had a leg up on all of the other students. She graduated, the day John and his girlfriend lost their son. Abby was always there for him. She became an excellent doctor in emergency medicine; she saved a lot of lives._

_After that John and Abby just didn't get along, and after a few months John went chasing back after his girlfriend to Africa. John later found out his girlfriend had been cheating on him, and came back here. From then on Abby and John became good friends. It was kind of nice to see them together, but it was still sad to see that after a beautiful relationship all they could be was friends." Susan said, she could feel the tears welling up in her eyes as she spoke of her dearest friend. "So what happened to her? How did she die?" Steven asked, he was very intrigued with this tale of romance. _

_"She was struck and killed by a car, nothing more than that. Her body was broken beyond repair. We tried all that we could, but we couldn't fix her like we fix everyone else who walks through these damn doors. Every time something happens to a staff member they either end up dead from the start, or are dying." Susan said, her face flushing, embarrassed of how she spoke of her work place. "I'm sorry; I still miss her so much." Susan said. "That's alright, it is only natural. It sounds like you two were friends. She shared a lot with you." Steven said looking into Susan's eyes, noticing how they were brimming with tears. "We were great friends; we went through a lot together." Susan said smiling. "Well, how about I start working tomorrow since you shift is over with." Steven said looking down at his watch. "Your right." Susan said checking her watch. _


	6. Chapter 6

_Susan walked out of County, and looked at the sky. It was a perfect night to go and visit Abby's grave, say a small prayer, and just be with her friend. Susan turned around and walked inside towards the admitting desk. "Hey Jerry, Did John leave yet?" Susan asked. "Um yeah, he left an hour or two ago, he said something about visiting a friend." Jerry said looking at Susan curiously. "Thanks Jerry," Susan said and walked back outside into the ambulance bay. Watching an ambulance pull in she pulled out her cell phone and dialed John's number. Putting the phone up to her ear she waited as it rang. After a few rings John's voice box came up, and Susan hung up. She sighed, and decided to go and visit Abby by herself. _

_Driving to the cemetery Susan pulled her car over to the curb where Abby's plot was. She noticed John's blue jeep was there, but she didn't see John anywhere. Walking to Abby's grave she saw John. His body crumpled on the ground, his hand on Abby's headstone. Susan ran over, and placed her right index finger on John's neck searching for a pulse, but she couldn't find one. She placed her ear next to John's mouth waiting to hear him inhale or exhale, but there was none. He was dead, he must have had a heart attack or stroke while visiting Abby. Susan called 911, and waited for them to load him up into the ambulance. "Ma'am we are taking him to County," The paramedic said loading John into the back. "Alright, I will meet you there, I work there." Susan said running to her car. She sped off to the hospital arriving seconds behind the ambulance. _

_Running inside she could see them working on John, in one of the trauma rooms. Susan ran into the room, as she watched them try to bring him back. "Just stop! Can't you see this is how it was meant to be? John and Abby get to be together finally." Susan said tears streaming down her face. Luka put the paddles back on the crash cart and looked up at the clock "Time of death 19:28." Luka said. Susan watched as the nurses took out all of the tubes, and placed a sheet over him. "Susan, why?" Luka asked looking at her, John had a fair chance at being revived. "Luka, he wanted to be with Abby, didn't you see how he was acting today? He needed her, and this is the best thing that could have happened." Susan said wiping her eyes. _

_Sitting in the lounge Susan just began to sob, now both of her friends were gone, and nothing would bring them back. At least they were both happy now, they were together, over the rainbow, forever. She was sure John and Abby were with Mark telling him about everything and making up for everything they had wanted to do while they had been alive. _


	7. Chapter 7

_"John, I can't believe you are here." Abby said running up to him. "It had been so long since she had seen anyone she had known. "I missed you so much Abby, I guess in the end it broke my heart." John said hugging Abby, embracing her so tightly, not wanting to let her go. "John, I realized while I was up here that I loved you, I have loved you for so long that it would be selfish of me not to tell you." Abby said running her fingers through John's hair. "I feel the exact same way." John said smiling at his beautiful Abby. Abby smiled at him, he looked so handsome, and before she knew it she was kissing him. It felt so wonderful, something so powerful yet so gentle. It was perfect._

_"Abby, can we be an "us" up here? Take another chance at this?" John asked after they stopped kissing. "Of course we can, I was hoping you would ask." Abby said smiling at him. "So where is Mark?" John asked waiting for his mentor just to show up out of the blue. "He is over the rainbow, waiting for me to come back with you." Abby said playing with the buttons on John's shirt. "I thought we were over the rainbow." John said looking around him. "Well, you could call this the tunnel I suppose, the white light. Over the rainbow is when we walk into that blinding white light." Abby said pointing to the walkway and the light that seemed to be endless. "Are we going?" John asked. Abby nodded and held out her hand. John took her hand and they looked at each other. Walking into the light John was startled at how brilliant Abby looked. _

_On the other side John stood almost in awe. It was perfect, just like it was supposed to be. "You like it?" Abby asked kissing him. "Its stunning, your stunning, its perfect." John said returning the kiss. As they hugged a clapping sound could be heard. Abby and John broke apart and were greeted by Mark, and Gamma. John smiled and hugged them both, Abby stood back and watched. She had been asked to retrieve John, she didn't want to ruin this time for John to catch up with some old friends. After all, they had an eternity to catch up on the few days she had been away from John, and even more time to remember everyday that went by she was with John. They were finally happy, and could finally be together in a place where pain is forgotten and everything is a memory. _


End file.
